I think I've figured it out. Or at least some of it.
Starting in September, I landed my dream internship. One I had been so eager to achieve for four years... at SickKids doing my final placement of my undergrad career. But in the four months that steadily passed by - 12 hour shift after 12 hour shift - I started to grow weary and I stopped looking forward to stepping foot into the hospital. I, instead, impatiently struggled to get through the last weeks and couldn't wait for it to be over.
Don't get me wrong, it was a season of exponential growth and development in my skills and abilities as a nurse. I probably learned more there about what it was like to be a nurse than I have ever learned in my four years of nursing school. But, something about it felt so redundant, so routine. You walked into the unit, read up on doctors' orders and clarified doctors' orders, complained about doctors' orders, argued with the doctor about his/her orders, and tried your best to squeeze in the remainder of doctors' orders before the end of the 12 hours hit... then you stressed out all the way home about doctors' orders you missed. I've got nothing against doctors (apart from a certain few that I have encountered personally), it was just that I felt a little suffocated... not to mention the immense burden and stress put upon you as innocently ill infants and children are counting on you to keep them alive.
At first, I wondered if it was just the nature of the type of nursing that occurred on the bone marrow transplant unit. I thought, maybe what I need is a more stimulating and dynamic environment like the ER. I guess I won't really know if this is a valid theory until I've been able to experience work in the ER. Perhaps there may even be multiple factors to my dissatisfaction...
But, last night... I came up with a new theory. I was watching, of all things to be inspired by, K-Pop Star Season 4. You really wouldn't think it, but JYP, YG, and Yoo Hee Yeol actually have a lot of substance to the things that they say to the contestants. They gave a variety of really thought-provoking advice... but the one theme that seemed to consistently weave through each of their comments was:
Find your voice. Your own voice. Your own flair and design. Don't nestle yourself into a mold. Be colourful in the way that you yourself know how.
What was always so attractive to me about being a nurse was that the career pathway was a very straight and predictable one. Follow the steps precisely and at the end of that path is a stable, income-producing career. Once you get there, there is no obligation to look anywhere else. Just follow doctors' orders and all is right with the world.
But something in that seems to stifle any opportunities for innovation, and leaves no room for creativity to thrive. I think I've neglected that aspect of myself for much too long. That which makes me uniquely.. me and not simply a carbon-copy of a pre-existing model. I want to be inspired but I don't want to conform. God, the most innovative and imaginative Creator, created us in His image. Carbon-copies are not His thing.
Even in my love for music... I have been so lazy and unwilling to explore what it means to truly express myself through my art. I can't truly say that the art is mine... because all I've ever know how to do is imitate. That I do well... and isn't necessarily a bad thing in and of itself. But what a shame it would be to never know and experience the beautiful process of a medium of art mixing and settling into the crevices of our fears, desires, and hopes as it pours out of us and into our senses.
Today... I began to explore what it might meant to embrace my creativity and run with it. I didn't really even end up creating anything substantial... but perhaps that's for another day. Today, I just want to dip my feet in and swish them around just enough to feel it swirl in between my toes.