It's been a while, but I'm back again. Life has been quite the rollercoaster the last few months. It's hard to keep track of what has happened and what hasn't.
Today, I want to mess around with the idea of self. How is it that we become a self, a someone, existing in some particular world in time and space? With all of our preconceived notions, subconscious thoughts and feelings, present logic and factual sense... it's so difficult to navigate self. Figuring what's going on in my own head is a feat in itself, but to add to that the interactions of self with everyone else I encounter and every new experience that adds and transforms and fixates my psyche.
Sometimes I just want to give up, and sit at home and stare at wall. Somehow it feels as though that would help clean things up. The less the stimulation, the more simple. But that would be a waste of time and life. So that's not a very good route to go down.
Another option is to just sit there and make a convoluted web diagram that connects everything beautifully and maps out all the activity. But, that's just asking way too much. It would take me a lifetime to complete... and again, life is so much more than that.
I'm understanding that sometimes...no, most times... it's better off to just stop digging and excavating something that was never meant to be discovered. Some things are better left covered up and hidden. Take, for instance, a conflict that you encounter. You could try and understand all of the nuances of the situation and milk out a deeper meaning beneath it... but often you'll be left with nothing... or worse, just more jumbled mess.
The fact of the matter is, intentions don't run as deep as we think. Sometimes people just do as they feel... and that's all there is to it. For someone like me, it's difficult to wrap my head around that thought. But here I go again, trying to wrap my head around something that doesn't want to be wrapped up with me.
Life isn't meant to be taken so seriously, rach! - is what I want to tell myself daily, but forget until I sit down and write something like this. Lighten up! Loosen up! Everything will be alright.
Of course, I don't want to diminish the fact that some things are worth uncovering. That's the thing I wrestle with the most, I think. What is worth it? And what is just really futile? For the moment, however, I kind of just want to live life as it comes. Live in the moment. Enjoy the goodness of it... take it all in and let it fill every inch of my being.
Cue: real hippy pseudo-spiritual sentiments ending in... "live, love, laugh". Ugh gross.
Till next time,