I've been setting my sights on this very moment in my life for so many years. A natural dreamer, I couldn't help but constantly wonder what was to come for me when I finally accomplished all of my educational obligations and was set free to make my mark in the world. Now, that day has finally come and... quite frankly, I've never felt more lost.
It's not that I haven't spent countless hours coming up with a 10-year plan, nor is it that there are absolutely no opportunities for me to take a stab at. I have a practical nursing degree for which jobs are at my disposal, and a wide variety of experiences to vouch for my competence. I'm probably in the best position to kick-start my long-term career, relative to most of my recently graduated colleagues... so why the long face, Rach?
Let's just say that this feels a lot more like an existential crisis, in pursuit of greater purpose and calling and vision and other such lofty-sounding idealistic desires.
I find myself continuously asking... "What does all of this amount to?"
There has got to be so much for to life than what I have seen in the people around me... settling into stable careers, then marriages, families, dogs, houses, cars, retirement, death. If I have become remotely closer to understanding the God of this universe, I know that He is not a God that settles for lack-lustre. If in creating the universe, He was okay with bland and vapid, what an utter shame it would've been compared to the beauty we see around us today.
I know what my greater end goal is... to glorify Him who is above all things with my life. But that's a notion that is thrown around so much in the church. What I really want to know is HOW?!
I feel a little like Esther.
"For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father's house will perish. And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?" - Esther 4: 14
I have come to see that this world is so broken. It and the humans that inhabit it. Just one scan through the news and it's not hard to come to this realization. And though I'm not a royal queen, relative to the majority of the world, I have so much to offer and pour out into this world. I have graciously been given skills, and talents, and gifts and passions and resources that weren't meant to be stored away. Now is a better time than any to explore them and try my hand at using them for His Kingdom. I don't want to sit here and waste away while there is so much reconciliation and restoration to be had. At such a time as this... this is when I need to be courageous and bold.
But let's be real... in the face of it, it's all so daunting and overwhelming. I don't even really know where to start. Every direction I look seems so foggy.
But over the past week, what I have come to see is that what is necessary as my priority is to grow deeper in my relationship with God first and foremost... and He will light the lamp unto my feet and give me direction and purpose. Without that, none of this is worth it.
So... I've decided to take it one step at a time... walking in step with the Spirit as He moves and transforms my heart. My plan is to use this blog to share these steps here as I embark on this tireless, and potentially endless pursuit of the via, veritas, and vita.